Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Whether it’s with a partner, family member, or friend, unhelpful communication patterns can lead to tension and hurt feelings. However, conflicts don’t have to be the end of the story. By embracing the strategy of a “do-over,” you can turn these challenging moments into opportunities for growth, understanding, and actually even deeper connection.
What's a Do-Over?
This is a second chance to approach a conflict or difficult interaction with a fresh perspective and a goal of better communication. It’s about recognizing that the first attempt didn’t go as planned and being willing to revisit the issue with humility, a clearer sense of what you want to accomplish, and a renewed commitment to relationship as you work through challenges.
When you notice a conversation going poorly, you might ask if you both could try again. Let the other person know that you want to revisit the issue to improve understanding, repair the relationship, and find a resolution that works for both of you. This sets a positive tone and encourages collaborative problem-solving. You are acknowledging that this isn't what you want for your relationship and that you are open to growing and trying new approaches in order to protect your relationship.
When you come back together, focus on use “I” statements to express your feelings and experiences without blaming or accusing the other person. This fosters a more constructive and empathetic dialogue. Be open to compromise and creative problem-solving. Focus on finding a resolution that respects both parties’ needs and concerns, and be willing to make adjustments as needed.
You can also have some fun with do-overs. Put on upside down glasses and say you want to see things differently or move in slow motion "rewind" as you back it up to start again. A little humor (of the right kind) goes a long way in repairing conflict.
Here are examples of five types of conflictual interactions that can benefit from a do-over:
1. Defensiveness
In defensive responses, people often react to perceived criticism or threats by deflecting blame or justifying their actions. This can shut down the conversation, leading the other person to feel unheard or misunderstood.
Revisiting a conflict with the intention of a do-over encourages empathy and understanding. It’s an opportunity to step into the other person’s shoes and see the situation from their perspective. This can help you recognize their feelings, needs, and concerns, fostering a deeper sense of connection and compassion.
When you notice defensiveness getting in the way of a helpful conversation, ask for a do-over where both of you temporarily put aside blame and criticism in order to focus on understanding what the actual problem is. (Because people are not problems; patterns of behavior are.)
Example: Imagine you and your partner had a heated argument about household responsibilities. During the initial conflict, both of you were focused on defending your own positions rather than truly listening to each other. In a do-over, you can approach the conversation with a commitment to understanding each other’s perspectives and finding a mutually agreeable solution.
2. Miscommunications
Miscommunications occur when messages are misunderstood or misinterpreted, leading to confusion and conflict. You may notice this in a conversation if someone seems to be upset about something that you weren't even talking about.
If you notice confusion about getting to the goal in the conversation, step back and ask for a do-over. Own any mistakes or misunderstandings on your part and apologize. By showing empathy and expressing genuine regret, you can rebuild trust and strengthen your friendship.
Then use active listening to make sure you both are talking about the same thing. Active listening includes withholding judgment and advice and instead asking open-ended questions to allow the other person to fully explain. Open-ended questions or statements include "Tell me more about why that part is important to you" or "What is your hope for how that will turn out?" Be sure to listen to understand, which helps you ask more useful questions, rather than listen only for a break in the conversation to where you can respond (which often leads to defensiveness). Avoid interrupting, making assumptions, or preparing your response while they’re speaking. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure clarity and validation.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves withdrawing or shutting down during a conflict, usually because a person feels overwhelmed by the conflict and unable to continue. This makes it difficult to resolve issues.
If you notice this in a conversation, a do-over provides an opportunity to start again with less intensity address the conflict in a more open and engaged manner, allowing for better problem-solving and a sense that you both are on the same team (an it's us against the problem" approach).
Conflicts can create rifts in relationships, but do-overs offer a pathway to repair and strengthen those bonds. When you make the effort to revisit and resolve conflicts, you demonstrate your commitment to the relationship and your willingness to work through challenges together. This can lead to greater resilience and trust in the relationship.
4. Escalation
Escalation happens when conflicts quickly intensify, often due to heightened emotions or reactive behavior. Escalation includes yelling, slamming doors or items, or other behaviors that signal that the person is "flooded" with emotion and unable to engage logically in that moment.
Take a break and agree to come back and talk about the problem later (give yourself at least 20 minutes because that's the minimum amount of time for the stress hormones to slow down and allow the brain to access creative thinking and understanding someone eles's perspective to come back. During the break, you should both agree to do something calming and NOT continue to think about the argument in your head (because that just keeps the stress hormones flooding through your body). Then come back together at the agreed time and start fresh.
Example: If you realize that your tendency to interrupt during discussions contributed to a conflict with a colleague, a do-over gives you the chance to practice active listening and patience. This self-awareness can lead to more harmonious interactions in the future.
5. Insults
Although we all say things we regret in the heat of the moment, it's never okay to be mean. If you or the other person calls names, insults you, or is critical of who you are (rather than expressing frustration with something you've done), it's time for a do-over.
If tension is high, take a break, but always set a boundary that you will not tolerate unkind speech. That can look like saying "It's hurtful when you speak to me that way. Could you please say that in a more respectful manner?" or "I've asked you not to call me names. I won't be able to continue this conversation. We can talk about this again in one hour and try to have a more productive conversation then, but right now I am going to leave the room." If you are the person who said something hurtful, own it as soon as you can and ask for a do-over. "I'm so sorry for saying that. That wasn't okay. Would you please allow me to try that again in a more respectful way?"
Engaging in do-overs promotes personal growth and self-awareness. It encourages you to reflect on your own behavior, communication style, and emotional responses. By acknowledging your role in the conflict and being open to change, you can develop greater emotional intelligence and become a more effective communicator.
Putting it into practice
Embracing the do-over is a powerful strategy for transforming relationship conflicts into opportunities for growth, understanding, and deeper connection. By acknowledging the need for a do-over, creating a safe and respectful environment, and practicing effective communication, challenging interactions can become moments of healing and reconciliation.
Conflicts are not the end of the story and are actually useful in creating deeper relationships. Embracing the do-over in these types of interactions can lead to improved communication, greater empathy for each, a show of commitment to personal growth, and ultimately, stronger relationships.
If you would like professional guidance in improving your communication skills in conflict, a therapist could help you identify the challenges that commonly occur in your conversations and offer guidance on how you can create new interactions that are more likely to achieve the results you seek.
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